Today I felt what the absence of self-consciousness feels like.
While my mom napped (she’s at a skilled nursing facility rehabilitating from back surgery), I took a walk in downtown Bellevue. I figured I’d try to get some exercise in any way I could. My first goal was just to walk to Subway to get some lunch (two blocks away) then I saw the new Bravern shopping center and thought I’d take a walk through it. This is an extremely upscale shopping center with designer stores and expensive items and equally upscale type clientele. I saw valets parking Jaguar cars and such. These upscale clientele used to intimidate me because they appear (to me) to always be impeccably dressed and ultra skinny. But today I wasn’t intimidated in the least. I wandered around the new mall completely comfortable in my own skin and completely comfortable being alone in a crowd.
I left the mall and walked the next mile or so down the street to Nordstrom’s and back. While I was walking, I remembered how I would * never * walk much in public. I would do whatever I could to hide myself.
- I hid myself in a fat body.
- I hid myself with large clothes, usually long tops hiding my hips.
- I hid myself in my car, always driving places, rarely walking.
- I hid my personality by isolating. I didn’t want people to notice me – particularly men – because if they did, they might see through to my imperfections.
- I hid myself under dining tables and office desks.
- I tried to be as invisible as possible in so many ways.
As I was walking toward Nordstrom’s I realized that I no longer had any of these same feelings or behaviors. I believe this is a direct result of losing weight and transforming my body, but also a direct result of what I’ve learned in Weight Watchers.
- I’ve truly learned to change my belief system about myself, my body, and my relationship with food.
- By losing weight and taking literal measurements of my body, I know truthfully what my size is and I know it’s appropriate (and getting more so).
- By learning the importance of food and nutrition as it relates to my health, I’ve learned that food is not a “necessary evil” as I used to think. I have learned to embrace food sensibly and enjoy it as a fun part of life and necessary fuel for my body.
- I’ve learned moderation and balance can be applied to more than just food in my life.
I’ve learned that I’m okay and life is good.
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