When I was dating my ex-husband, he used to tell me he had no expectations for our relationship. I don’t think I was savvy enough then – or had enough self-esteem – to realize just what that meant or what the impact of that type of behavior was having on me, so I stayed with him far longer than I should have. I’ve been hearing it again recently and so my little mind has been noodling on it for a bit.
When someone – in just about any scenario – tells you they have no expectations, rest assured that’s a big fat lie. Everyone has expectations. It’s human nature. When I flip the switch on the wall, I expect the light to come on. When my boss hires me, she expects me to do certain work in return for my wages.
In relationships, we all have expectations. It’s inevitable. We have an expectation that we’ll be picked up (or met) at the agreed upon time. We have an expectation that the other person will be honest and forthright with us. We have an expectation that each person will participate equally in the relationship.We have an expectation that the other person will have our back and be our lead cheerleader. There’s more, but you get the gist. Right?
I think the original intent of the phrase is that we should not set unreasonable expectations on another person – that is, we should not expect them to be anything other than who they are. I’m having a hard time coming up with examples that won’t offend someone in some way, but I think you get the idea. People are who they are. We can’t and shouldn’t try to change them because it doesn’t work.
Lately, it seems to me that the trend with some men (I don’t know about women because I don’t date women) is that they tend to overuse this phrase, and with the wrong intent. They use it as a cop out, a smokescreen for the inability to commit or fully participate in a relationship. It may also be their way of letting me know up front that they have no dreams, no future vision, no hopes. Or it may be their way of letting me know they are only interested in “friends with benefits” even if they deny that. The men I’ve dated who have said this end up being the ones that ran the fastest when held accountable to reasonable expectations.
And I do hold them accountable. I hold myself accountable to the highest degree. Why should I expect less from someone I want to be partners with? Admittedly, maybe this all says more about my picker being broken than anything else.
Just sayin’. What do you think?
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