This is a question that has been running through my head for quite some time. It’s not a thought emanating from a feeling of self-pity. Well, okay, maybe once in a blue moon, although I’m not one prone to a lot of self-pity. It’s more a thought that somehow, some way, there should be caretakers for caretakers. If only sometimes. Maybe that traditionally comes in the form of spouses. I have no idea since I’ve never really had one although I’ve been married twice, briefly each time. The question comes more from the role I’ve filled for the last several years of caretaker to my family members: my daughter, granddaughter, and now my elderly mom.
January 2012 started off with yet another hospital visit. This time it was my mom. The visit was only two days and although it was an upper respiratory virus issue that took her in, it was the low oxygen and very slow heart rate that kept her there. She has fantastic doctors so I wasn’t too concerned this time, but at nearly 93, any hospital visit with her is cause for concern. She’s home now and fine – a lingering sinus cold – but fine. Yet, throughout all this (and other hospital visits), the message I’ve heard from my family and friends has been “Take care of yourself”. My consistent response is, “I will” or “I am”.
Do I know how to take care of myself? Of course I do when it comes to the basics of feeding, housing, supporting myself. I wonder sometimes though if I really, truly, honestly know how to slow down, stop, get rest, and nurture myself. I think this is what they are really suggesting. And do I really want to? See, if I stop, I have to face facts. I face the fact that I come home to an empty home (unless you count the menagerie.) And I have to face the fact that I could lose my loved one – a fact that will eventually come true because no one lives forever.
And so what? It is what it is. I choose not to dwell in self-pity. Rather, I like to focus on the positive. It may be that I’m naturally Pollyanna-ish, but I also think it’s more of a habit I’ve acquired through regular practice. So, when I force myself to slow down and stop, to nurture myself with warm drinks, soft blankets, and a chance to exhale, I focus on the fact that I have a beautiful home, a home in which to invite family and friends and possibly a future mate. I focus on what I already have, not on what might be lacking. Most importantly, I remember that I have a beautiful family, full of kids and grandkids that love me and want me in their lives, a mother that needs, loves, and trusts me, and who is proud of me. And who I am grateful and honored to be allowed to be her caretaker at this precious time in her life.
So, who takes care of the caretaker? No one. And that’s okay. It’s just how it is as an adult. We no longer have a mommy to come to our rescue, so we need to learn to self-soothe. This year, my focus is on self-soothing in healthy, positive ways. Remembering and re-learning how to take care of me. This means getting back in the swing of my Weight Watchers and feeling better about myself and my body. (Losing weight is far more to me than just clothing sizes – it builds my confidence and esteem.) Taking care of me means getting enough sleep each night, taking time to have a few deep breaths, and most importantly, taking time out for people in my life other than the one I’m taking care of so they don’t feel forgotten, and so that I never forget just how much I love them too. And also so I don’t forget just how much I need them.
Taking care of the caretaker means that I also need to build a social life. One that has been neglected over the past few years. And laughing. God, how I need to remember how to laugh. Life can be so serious, and laughter is such a stress reliever with no calories attached.
Ok, enough rambling for now. I have to get busy and get to work so I can keep my fantabulous job that affords me flexibility and freedom to be with my mom worry free. Thank you, God.
And thank you for listening to my ramblings this cold, winter morning.
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I took care of both my parents as they got older so I do know how you feel. My mother did end up having to be in a nursing home for the last few years of her life but only when her dementia showed it’s ugly face. My Dad didn’t need that much help, just my company every day at work which I loved.
My daughter is my caretaker whether I want one or not. she is such a good girl always asking me if I have everything I need. My answer is always yes because she makes sure of that.
You seem to be headed in the right direction. I know how much you love your bike riding and I hope you keep that up. For me a daily meditation of just 5 minutes helps.
I am back to blogging. I’ve blogged 2 days in a row, a record for me. Now that I quit all those Facebook games I seem to have time to blog so I will try to visit here more often.
I am hoping that my mom never gets dementia. That makes end of life so much more difficult and painful. My mom could have a few more years ahead. One never knows. With my dad, we knew when his time was coming. Docs said a year. He was gone in nine months. You are lucky, Joan, to have your daughter. She is a great daughter. I’m definitely going to keep up with the bike. As soon as it starts to dry out here and I get some better winter gear.
Claire I’ve been reading you for years, lurker mostly, but followed you through all that weight loss, your passion for the biking; and I think those are part of you; the part of you that probably makes you feel good about yourself. It is hard caring for others, so do force that time to ride your bike, make your meetings; I know they will help you cope!
Laura – thanks so much for popping up out of lurkdom. We’ve probably chatted before, not sure. But you are right. I have gained 20 pounds over the last two years and I hate that. So, I got off my butt just now and went for a 30 minute walk. Taking my own advice – every little bit counts. And I’m going to get on the bike, like I mentioned to Joan, above. It’s nice to know I have lurkers! Of the good sort, you know? Thank you for your support.
It’s clear that I’m tired too… She’s going to be 92, not 93. Born 1920… I can’t even do the math right. Sleep, need sleep….
Glad to hear that your mom is on the mend. It sounds like 2012 has started out quite hectic for you, but good on ya for keeping up the positive attitude. Happy New Year!
Thanks, Jason! She is doing better today. Happy New Year to you also.
To me, it means taking some time do the things that renew your energy. It is different for everyone. It might be things like exercise, lunch with a friend (especially if it one who makes you laugh), a massage, a long nap, an afternoon of guilty pleasure TV…. whatever allows your brain to step out of caretaker mode for a little bit. Proper sleep and good food are an absolute must. Also knowing when you are at the end of your rope and allowing someone to help you.
When someone is sick, it can feel indulgent to say “I need a nap” or “I am going out to lunch,” but it isn’t. If the caretaker is exhausted, mentally or physically, they cannot give their best to the one who needs it. We always tell young moms to nap when the baby naps so she will have the energy to take care of the baby. This is the same thing.
You’re so right, Teri. The last couple of nights I’ve been working hard to get over 9 hours of sleep. Last night I got nearly 12. It felt weird yesterday to tell my mom I needed to stay home and rest, but she was totally fine – AND encouraging – of it. I have been given gifts of a massage and a mani/pedi from friends. Now I just have to schedule them.
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