My 2012 was a horrible year in just about every aspect. My mom (and last remaining parent) died from an accidental morphine overdose of 10x the prescribed amount, which was administered by an unlicensed, unregistered caretaker who was employed by the retirement facility where she lived – the facility entrusted with her care. Three weeks after my mom died, my daughter shattered her ankle resulting in a two-month hospitalization. A couple weeks later, my other daughter had a life changing event that impacted us all. The only thing consistent in all that was my job.
Friday, I was told that my contract with my current job ends 1/31. Yep, just about 2.5 weeks away.
A little backstory: I work through an agency. My agency is fantastic. I have been employed by them for nearly five years. Through those four and a half years, I’ve spent 90% of my time contracted to a specific team at a major software company. This is the longest I’ve worked in one place for the last 15 years. Needless to say, I’ve developed relationships with my team, and a comfortable working schedule and rhythm. I have loved my job, I’ve been good at my job, and I’ve been extremely grateful, loyal, and dedicated to my job and my team.
But things change. The business changes. Evidently, they think they need different skills than I can provide – or than they think I can provide. So, with that, they’re ending my contract.
Here’s the thing: I saw this coming. I predicted this back in the beginning of December and it was confirmed in my gut when my colleague – who does the exact.same.work as me – was extended through 6/30 and I was not given an end date, just told I’m extended past December 30. I even somewhat predicted that I’d know by last Friday. My intuition is always spot on and it gets better and more accurate the older I get and the more I practice listening to it.
People were telling me things to make me feel better, but I knew. I knew by how people acted, by things that weren’t being said, by the unbalanced project load, and more. Still, knowing all that, I went on vacation over New Years and I am glad I did. Had I known my job was ending, I probably wouldn’t have spent the money. (However, if I’d known for sure my contract was ending, I’d not have worked on my vacation.)
My agency will – I am confident – work hard to find me another gig. And I’m smart and talented and am working to build my own editing business as well – something I tried to get started five years ago before hooking up with my agency and this great gig. Regardless, I know I’ll be fine. I told my agency that I would land on my feet and that I was ok. I kept that stiff upper lip and strong demeanor that is so…. me, I guess.
However, about five hours or so after getting the news, I freaked out. The reality of it all hit me. I stressed out so badly that I almost thought I was having a heart attack because my chest hurt so bad. I panicked about running out of money. I panicked about being all alone through all this. I needed to hear my mom’s voice telling me it would all be ok and she isn’t here to tell me that, except in my memories. I panicked about the uncertainty and fear of change.
I broke down because I am just plain tired of changes. Please, God, make the changes stop for a while.
All that said, I guess I’m really not too upset about the job ending. It was probably time for a change for me anyway. I think the universe is telling me that it is time to really clear away the past, completely. It’s time for me to recalibrate and reinvent my life. Wash away the old, in with the new, and all that jazz.
I have lots of ideas and plans for the future. So many things I want to do, and things I want to experience. I guess the universe is telling me NOW is the time. And in my head, I know I will survive this. I’ve survived it before. And I know from experience I’m never given more than I can handle.
And I know I’m not alone either. I’ll be just fine.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
When I was first left without any parents I felt so, so, so alone. My Mom died first and I was left with my dad, the strongest, kindest man I knew so I was OK at that point. When he died in 2000 that is when I felt my life caving in. At just about the same time I found out my son was a drug addict. Somehow, no matter how weak or strong we are, we get through bad times. It’s how we get through them that counts. I’ve seen you, granted from afar, get through some really hard stuff. You are one strong lady and I have always loved the way you rise to any challenge you’ve been given. I know how difficult it is for you without your Mom backing you up but I know you will get through it standing straight up. You’ll do it because you know that’s what your Mom would want.
Now I’m crying again. Thank you Joan for your soft and comforting words. They mean a lot to me. {{{{{{Joan}}}}}}}}
I’m so sorry honey. I think losing your precious mom is enough stress for 5 years. That takes so long to feel at home in the world and after 7 years I still feel like part of me is missing.
You’ve been through so much I’m saying a prayer that this job change will actually be a huge gift. That next year at this time you’ll be able to look back and see it as your turning point.
Sending love and hugs~
Robin
Robin, thank you so so so much…. I appreciate your prayers. I love following your blog and your life down at your beautiful new home. Hugs and love back!
Claire, I had wondered what happened with your mom from an earlier post. How awful. FWIW, when my dad died from a “mistake” made by a tech that we know sent his serious but manageable condition into an unrecoverable condition that ended his life within 5 weeks, we took steps to make sure it didn’t happen ever again. We felt, as you probably feel, so many emotions from that incident but the sad fact is, our parents are both gone. We cannot get them back. I know I felt like somehow we didn’t do enough to protect him as he had always protected us. Sigh.
My prayers go out to you. I know your positive attitude will continue to guide you where you should go. Struggles and challenges sometimes just temporarily suck the life out of us, but I know you will forge ahead and create new adventures and new joy in your life. You deserve it!
Hi Bev, Sorry for taking so long to reply to you. You understand, I know. I’m taking steps with an attorney to try to protect the remaining vulnerable adults in that facility. Hopefully we are successful. But yes, I sometimes feel like I should have done more to protect her, but I have no idea what more I could have done. I did everything within my power to do so, and she knew it and was always very, very grateful. It was my honor to care for her.