My 2012 was a horrible year in just about every aspect. My mom (and last remaining parent) died from an accidental morphine overdose of 10x the prescribed amount, which was administered by an unlicensed, unregistered caretaker who was employed by the retirement facility where she lived – the facility entrusted with her care. Three weeks after my mom died, my daughter shattered her ankle resulting in a two-month hospitalization. A couple weeks later, my other daughter had a life changing event that impacted us all. The only thing consistent in all that was my job.
Friday, I was told that my contract with my current job ends 1/31. Yep, just about 2.5 weeks away.
A little backstory: I work through an agency. My agency is fantastic. I have been employed by them for nearly five years. Through those four and a half years, I’ve spent 90% of my time contracted to a specific team at a major software company. This is the longest I’ve worked in one place for the last 15 years. Needless to say, I’ve developed relationships with my team, and a comfortable working schedule and rhythm. I have loved my job, I’ve been good at my job, and I’ve been extremely grateful, loyal, and dedicated to my job and my team.
But things change. The business changes. Evidently, they think they need different skills than I can provide – or than they think I can provide. So, with that, they’re ending my contract.
Here’s the thing: I saw this coming. I predicted this back in the beginning of December and it was confirmed in my gut when my colleague – who does the exact.same.work as me – was extended through 6/30 and I was not given an end date, just told I’m extended past December 30. I even somewhat predicted that I’d know by last Friday. My intuition is always spot on and it gets better and more accurate the older I get and the more I practice listening to it.
People were telling me things to make me feel better, but I knew. I knew by how people acted, by things that weren’t being said, by the unbalanced project load, and more. Still, knowing all that, I went on vacation over New Years and I am glad I did. Had I known my job was ending, I probably wouldn’t have spent the money. (However, if I’d known for sure my contract was ending, I’d not have worked on my vacation.)
My agency will – I am confident – work hard to find me another gig. And I’m smart and talented and am working to build my own editing business as well – something I tried to get started five years ago before hooking up with my agency and this great gig. Regardless, I know I’ll be fine. I told my agency that I would land on my feet and that I was ok. I kept that stiff upper lip and strong demeanor that is so…. me, I guess.
However, about five hours or so after getting the news, I freaked out. The reality of it all hit me. I stressed out so badly that I almost thought I was having a heart attack because my chest hurt so bad. I panicked about running out of money. I panicked about being all alone through all this. I needed to hear my mom’s voice telling me it would all be ok and she isn’t here to tell me that, except in my memories. I panicked about the uncertainty and fear of change.
I broke down because I am just plain tired of changes. Please, God, make the changes stop for a while.
All that said, I guess I’m really not too upset about the job ending. It was probably time for a change for me anyway. I think the universe is telling me that it is time to really clear away the past, completely. It’s time for me to recalibrate and reinvent my life. Wash away the old, in with the new, and all that jazz.
I have lots of ideas and plans for the future. So many things I want to do, and things I want to experience. I guess the universe is telling me NOW is the time. And in my head, I know I will survive this. I’ve survived it before. And I know from experience I’m never given more than I can handle.
And I know I’m not alone either. I’ll be just fine.